Posted by: graphiclucidity | June 11, 2009

the phone call

Now for a little humor.
I wrote this in 2004 on a political bulletin board I used to frequent. The regulars on this board ranged from socialist to anarchist politically. There was also geographical representation by various Europeans, Australians, Canadians, as well as the eternal bad guys of the world: Americans.

The grand leftist conspiracy at the time, as many of you may well remember, was that BusHitler was going to invade Iran soon for their oil and, of course, only John “I voted for it before I voted against it” Kerry could stop it.

We all know how that turned out.

This was my rather over-the-top satirical way of poking everybody (far left, far right, sane, nutty as a fruitcake) in the eye at once. Hopefully I got a few laughs… but amazingly – I didn’t hear much about Bush wanting to invade Iran after this.

It was a rather wild BB so the language may be a bit “salty” for some people but oh well… we’re all adults here, right?

All in all, you’ll see I took no prisoners when dealing with political correctness, the lunatic fringe, and the powers that be…
Common sense never does.


OPERATOR: Mr. Secretary, I have the President on the line, please hold while I connect.

<click> <click>

POTUS: Mmmm… Rummy?… Rummy? You there? Ru…

SoD: Yes Mr. President how can I help you today, sir?

POTUS: How’s it going Don? You got the boys in line over your way?

SoD: Things are excellent today sir, only three bombings in Baghdad, all civilian fatalities.

POTUS: Good, good. None of ours injured then?

SoD: Well, several got some shrapnel wounds, but most of them were going back to the truck to get more candy for the kids when the bombs went off. None serious, sir, all will be fine.

POTUS: Damn shame, that. Those fuckers even goin after the kids cuz our boys were handing out sweets.

SoD: Apparently the terrorists believe the Snickers bars are laced with cyanide, sir.

POTUS: Cyanide? Shit. We can’t even get em some fluoride without the convoys being attacked.

This is true, sir, but as you know, we’ve got to guard the pipelines too, as well as the oil wells, and related facilities… takes up manpower we could use to guard the supply convoys.

POTUS: Yes, yes… no need for details right now, I got some more important issues to discuss with you.

SoD: Shoot, Mr. President.

POTUS: You mean shit? Dammit Rummy we’ve known each other long enough, you can cuss in front of me, no need to get all churchy between me and you. You got a secretary under the desk giving you a hummer or something? I’m sure she’s heard worse….

SoD: Umm, you know I don’t use my desk sir, besides, I’m not a Democrat… no sir, “shoot” as in, ask away… your question…

POTUS: Ahhh [laughter]. Well Don, as you know, I think we’ve pretty much got this election thingy wrapped up, Kerry’s lookin’ more and more like Dukakis every day, and I’ve been hazing out some ideas for next term…

SoD: Ahh..uh.. hazing? sir?

POTUS: Yeah, hazing.. like thinkin’, brainstormin’. That type a thing.

SoD: Hashing?

POTUS: Exactly! Damn you’re a smart one, glad I listened to Daddy about you.

SoD: Thank you, sir… exactly what were you thinking about?

POTUS: Alright, I got to hashin while I was on the shitter this mornin and I hashed out a damn good strategy or two for that world domination thing that you, me, Dick, and the rest of the… whata the liberals call us now? nuo-cuns?…

“Neo-Cons” sir.

POTUS: Yeah, yeah, neo-cons… you know, our hedgenenemy project we’ve been discussin since Billy whupped Daddy’s ass in ’92?


Whatever. So, I’ve got my eye set on Syria, and Iran next. They got a shit load of oil… right?

SoD: You want to invade Syria and Iran just for their oil reserves?

Well hell yeah that’s part of it!

SoD: We’re going to need more of a reason than that, sir.

POTUS: Why? You got to remember Rummy we got a helluva lot of soccer mom’s and Yuppies-Yippies driving STD’s needing lots a gas, it’s a national security issue…

SoD: STD’s? oh.. oh! SUV’s!, go on, sir, sorry…

POTUS: …and all those damn hippies don’t realize the amount of diesel it takes to ship in their Starbucks coffee beans & tofu and all that foo-foo shit they drink and eat…

SoD: Yes… yes sir, you’re correct…

POTUS: … they’re all on that internet talkin’ a buncha shit about me too, the electricity for that and cable TV don’t grow on trees…

SoD: True, true, all true…

But you don’t think we can just take both of em for just their oil?

Well, sir, it’s a little more complicated than that, we’d need a pretext for invasion…

POTUS: Pretext? We ain’t studying for the S.I.T. test here…

SoD: Uh…ahhh, no sir, as in an excuse, to invade… one that the world will accept.

POTUS: You mean like the French and Germans?

SoD: Yes, and the Canadians, among others…

POTUS: Ahhh fuck them, they had their chance to jump in on Iraq, we want these two for ourselves…

SoD: I believe you’re misunderstanding me Mr. President…

POTUS: Well explain yourself then, man.

SoD: Sir, we’d need to have a valid reason to invade these two nations, like their having WMD, or a direct threat to our security or our allies in some other way.

Iran’s got them noocleur bombs…

SoD: Not yet, sir, but we’ve got Colin on the European’s asses about getting that issue settled internationally…

POTUS: Well that’s as useless as pissin’ up a wall Rummy, you know that…

SoD: That may be the case sir, but we’re over-extended with Iraq and Afghanistan right now as is, I don’t think we’d be able to pull off another invasion until Iraq’s secure.

Yes, yes, I realized that when I was hashin’ about it… I reckon we could hire us some more soldiers, cuz a draft ain’t gonna work, half the hippy’s kids would head to Canada with their fathers who know all the great hide-outs from the 60’s, and leave us with the ones too dumb to run.

SoD: Where are we going to get another 200,000 soldiers to invade two countries if we don’t run a draft, exactly, sir?

POTUS: Mexico.

SoD: Mexico??

POTUS: Why not? They’re coming in here by the millions anyhow, might as well make em fight for us.

SoD: That’s not going to work because..

POTUS: Now, I don’t see why not… they can aim and shoot just as good as a Virginian…

SoD: …they aren’t trained, and half of them can’t even read, it’d cost us several hundred billion just to get them to where they’d be useful…

POTUS: they can cook from nothing too, save us money on MREs, half of Mexico is desert, they’d take snakes and scorpions off the ground and make em into tacos…

SoD: …just think of the logistical problems alone, they can’t speak english, we’d catch hell trying to organize a new army like this….

POTUS: … tenacious little bastards when they’re drunk too, we could switch their water with tequila and they’d take Jordan and Lebanon too.

SoD: …I’m sorry Mr. President, this Mexican idea just ain’t feasible.

POTUS: Oh, alright… dammit… I thought it was brilliant…

SoD: Sorry, sir.

OK, how about if we don’t actually take them and train them, but hire an army already trained and ready to go?

Now where the hell are we going to get one of those? All our private security firms are at their max in Iraq right now…

POTUS: China.

SoD: CHINA!!??

Fuckin-A right, Rummy, they’ve got like a billion soldiers, what’s leasing out a few hundred thousand gonna hurt em??

SoD: Are you shitting me, Mr. President?

POTUS: Come on think about it, man, we could hire em for $2.59 an hour, no benefits, no strikes, no complaining at all, shit… you know how those commies hate union shops…it’d be perfect… and hell, I’ll talk to the Premier and see if he’ll give us good terms on a lease to own type deal…

SoD: ….I can’t believe I’m hearing this…

POTUS: … we’d supply the rice, and bullets… wham! We own Damascus and Tehran in two weeks.

SoD: This just isn’t possible sir, I mean… China??… they’d want something… they’d want Taiwan!

POTUS: Tye who? Never heard of him…

SoD: No, T-A-I-W-A-N, the country sir, the island just off of China…

POTUS: Oh… they make all that cheap shit that falls apart, right?

Yes sir, them. They’re our allies, we have agreements, treaties.. remember?

POTUS: They got any oil?

SoD: No.

POTUS: Fuck ’em.

SoD: Trust me sir, please, this idea is not going to work either.

You sure?

SoD: Yes sir, I think you may have to set your sights a little lower right now, we really can’t afford another large scale invasion…

POTUS: Ok, Ok… you’re smart, I’ll trust you on this one….

SoD: …how about Saudi Arabia? We could take them fairly easily at the moment.

POTUS: Nah… no, Dad’s still trying to milk that cow for all she’s worth right now… I’m trying to set it up so Jeb can take that goldmine in 2009 or ’10 after he wins against Hillary.

{editor’s note: My God if I’d only know what was really coming in 2009. Yikes.}

SoD: Ahh, yes, I’d forgotten that was already decided by the Trilateral Commission, Illuminati, and the Bilderbergers.

POTUS: Yup, so no-go there… any other ideas? Some place small.. with oil… easy to invade and control?

SoD: Well, the DoD has had one plan on the shelf since a movie came out several years back that blew our total secrecy plan…

POTUS: Yeah?? Do tell…

SoD: Canada.

POTUS: Hey, hey, hey… alrighty… now we’re cookin’ with Crisco.

SoD: Yes sir, I think it’s doable. I’ll get them working on the pretext now… and update the plans.

Any ideas on the text thingy?

SoD: We could accuse them of exporting socialist ideas and illegal drugs into the country, as well as a secret plan to collaborate with our enemies, and finally just being all around nosey pricks up in our business.

POTUS: Sounds good so far…

SoD: Yes sir, I’ll have the boys in the back rooms down at Langley flesh it out a bit, come up with some video, and good news articles for it.

POTUS: Hang on for a few Don… Laura had the cook whip up some burritos last night and they’re putting a damn hurtin on me… I’d use the phone LBJ had in there, but I’m about to explode and I don’t think you’d hear me well…

SoD: No problem Mr. President… I’ll hold.


SoD: Mr. President?… Mr. President?…




Betsy!! Get the Oval back for me, the idiot hit the wrong button again!



Ahhh, I miss W. already.


  1. still pretty clever after all these years

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